1 Hack to Beat Crap-Talkers

A Liberating Truth (Things That Matter #15 / Comedy Mindhacks #8)

Here’s one of the simplest and greatest lifehacks I’ve ever learned: if someone talks crap about you, don’t get defensive; instead, just think to yourself, “If you only knew!”

I’m telling you, this practice is absolutely liberating. Here’s why: all of us spend more time than we should thinking about what people might be thinking about us. That’s already too many words and too many layers of thinking. The truth is, most people aren’t thinking about us at all. They’re thinking about what they’re having for dinner, whether they locked the front door, and why their knee started sounding like that one spot in the bedroom floor that groans every time you step on it.

What I’m trying to say is: if someone has talked bad about you, they’ve probably forgotten about it before they hit the second red light on the way home from work. But for some reason, our mind convinces us otherwise. We imagine them still stewing, plotting, maybe even starting a group text about our flaws. Most likely, they’re not. Like you and me, they’re also just trying to get through the day without crying in a gas station parking lot.

That’s why the famed preacher, Charles Spurgeon’s quote hits the way it does: “If any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him, for you are worse than he thinks you to be.” That’s not self-loathing. That’s honesty. That’s the humble kind of humor where you realize you can flip the switch on your inner monologue. When that switch is flipped, it’s like you’ve turned on a mental converter that takes someone else’s harm toward you and transforms it into a moment of growth.

Here’s something to think about, something I was sharing with someone recently: it’s an incredible act of grace that God made us in such a way that other people can’t hear or know what we’re thinking. Could you imagine if our thoughts were broadcast on a screen above our heads? I think society would collapse in about 12 minutes. Could you imagine walking through Target and seeing people’s raw thoughts scroll across their foreheads? “Ugh! He’s so ugly. I wish her kid would shut up. I forgot deodorant.” That’s even before you leave the cart corral.

The fact is, we all curate an image. We project that we’re clean on the outside, but there’s always chaos within. We know how to smile at church while cursing someone in our heads for sitting in our row. We know how to nod along in meetings while secretly wondering if the world would be better if this person permanently lost their voice. We’re all carrying contradictions. Why am I mentioning this? Because we all act shocked when someone points one out.

The trick is not to panic when someone says something about you. The trick is to realize, they’re probably right. Maybe they’re not right in the specifics, but they’re likely right in spirit. Most people are more fragile, more selfish, and more insecure than they’d like to admit. So, when people criticize us all they’re doing is offering us a rough draft of what God already knows with perfect clarity. This, again, is why it’s helpful to think to yourself, “If you only knew!” when dealing with someone who talks crap.

This, of course, doesn’t mean you believe everything people say. Nah! But it does mean you don’t have to waste energy pretending you’re better than you are. We all judge ourselves by our intentions but others by their actions. That means we all go easier on ourselves than we do on others. And the sooner we accept that, the less time we’ll spend obsessing over whispers or trash talk from people who, 5 minutes later, aren’t even thinking about us anymore.

There’s freedom in not being impressive. It reminds me of an old Dave Barnes song lyric that my wife and I still listen to, and which we played at our wedding reception: “There’s nothin’ fancy ‘bout the way I love you. There’s nothing you could not find in any other man….” There’s peace, my friends, in not having to keep up a front or maintain a lie.

That doesn’t mean we stop growing or striving to do better at all. It just means we grow with a little less pride and a lot more grace. So the next time someone talks bad about you, take a deep breath, shake it off, and whisper to yourself, “If you only knew.” Then go live your life humbly, like someone who’s been given way more grace than they deserve. Because you have been.