BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Falls...Again
Fake News Weekly
BREAKING: No, literally... Mitch McConnell is breaking! Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell took a fall this week, though sources close to the Kentucky senator insist, technically, it was just an extended filibuster against gravity. Witnesses report that as McConnell collapsed, he managed to block three bills and delay a vote on infrastructure. Doctors say the injury is serious, but McConnell remains optimistic. “I just need one more term to see if it’ll heal; one more, that’s all,” he assured reporters from the floor—literally.
His staff confirmed he will not be seeking immediate medical attention, citing the need for bipartisan support before moving forward with treatment. Capitol Hill insiders say lobbyists were quick to act. “As soon as he hit the ground, a corporate donor instinctively rushed over and slipped him a check,” said one eyewitness. Another source claims an oil executive offered to build a pipeline directly from his hip replacement to a SuperPAC fund.
In response to the incident, McConnell has reportedly proposed changing Kentucky’s state motto from “United We Stand, Divided We Fall” to “You’re Right, I Can’t Stand. Declining, I Fall.” His office has yet to comment on the revision, but sources say aides are currently workshopping a bill to privatize all future Senate floor collapses. Despite the tumble, McConnell has vowed to stay in office indefinitely. When asked if he’d consider retirement, he simply stared blankly for 30 seconds before aides carried him away.