Bridge-Burning for Beginners

Thoughts on Loyalty, Boundaries, and Emotional Termites (Things That Matter #6)

There are at least a dozen or so principles I live by and, for the foreseeable future in my “Things That Matter” sub-series, I’m gonna talk about them. These hold true across all spheres of life for me, whether it’s work or comedy or relationships and so on. Here’s the first one and, as you’ll see, it’s simple: Don’t hesitate to burn a bridge if you need to. I know that’ll rub some people the wrong way. I know it’s easier for some than for others. But I hold firm to it. And if that makes you nervous, you’ve probably never been screwed over by someone who smiled while doing it or tried to describe it as “God’s will.” I know some religious and non-religious folks alike who’ve mastered the art of being disloyal, using people, and screwing people over. I know a LOT of them, in fact. (Cough. Nazarenes. Cough. Cough.)

Now, before you get it twisted, here’s precisely what I’m not saying: I burn bridges just for fun. Instead, here’s what I am saying: I keep matches in my glovebox just in case. Joking! Look, I’m loyal. Like, almost mafia-level loyal. Like I’d-help-you-move-a-body-and-not-ask-questions-until-we-were-eating-at-Waffle-House-afterward loyal. Lol. More on the mafia later! But here’s the flip side of that: if you lie to me, ghost me, screw me over, throw me under the bus, or the like, I’m done. Again, people always say, “Don’t burn bridges; you might need that person later.” That’s dumb. What, am I supposed to keep emotional termites in my life just in case I want it all to collapse in on me later? Nah. No thanks. I’ll take loneliness and clarity over manipulation and backstabbing any day. ANY DAY!

And for me, burning a bridge isn’t about revenge either. (I have a post about “revenge” I’ll write soon enough, too!) Burning a bridge is about what I just alluded to a moment ago: pest control. That’s really what it is and, no it’s not me just being petty either. Rather, it’s me being polite enough to say, “Hey, this structure, this hill, this toxic relationship…it’s unstable and I’m not dying on/in it with you.” And then I light it up like it’s the 4th of July and my therapist just gave me clearance to be myself saying, “You do you, Michael!” Over the years, some people have thought, in times like these, that I was being dramatic or over-reacting. Well, here’s a fact: I’ve seen enough drama to know that not burning the bridge is how you end up starring in a multi-season, never-ending toxic relationship. Not me. I walk off set, out of a church situation, out of a relationship, out of whatever you wanna call it.

Jesus did, too. Yes, even Jesus burned bridges. You think he kept hanging around the Pharisees like, “Hey fellas, y’all misunderstood me again, let’s maybe do brunch next week? Good Friday Round 2, perhaps?” No! He roasted them, flipped some tables, dropped some mics, and then walked off with sandals that had no dust on them. He walked away from toxic people and situations like 40 times in the Gospels. He put the “go” in “gospels” in other words. Now, some of you are probably thinking: But it’s Jesus, what about forgiveness? Sure, forgive. Jesus forgave. Jesus forgives. But remember: sometimes forgiveness looks like loving someone from the opposite side of the country and having their number blocked. And all God’s people said…Amen!

All of this certainly applies to people, but it also applies to institutions. Same for jobs. Same for churches. Same for fake friends who text you only when they need a ride to the airport or a place to “pray about their next season.” I have no problem being done with any of them. I don’t stay bitter about it either, but I certainly don’t forget. Ever. I’m not willing to be the doormat everyone thinks is “just so kind and Christlike and chill” after a knife has been stuck in my back. Nope! I’m the disciple lighting the drawbridge behind me while yelling, “God bless!” as I cross over and move on.

I decided to write about this today because recently, I connected with a fellow comedian. Great dude. Real mob vibes. I’m not joking. Real mob vibes. And I realize, even as I’m writing this, that it really is mobsters who treat loyalty like a sacrament. I can truly appreciate that. Anyway, there I was, chatting with him and explaining my philosophy about loyalty. If anyone got it, he got it. Because, after all, loyalty respects loyalty just like real recognizes real. My point is: life’s too short to wait for people to stop being toxic. I want real and loyal people in my life.

I’ve lived in Hawai’i long enough to learn to take the scenic route and miss the mess. (Mahalo for that lesson, Hawai’i!) So, yeah, I’ll burn a bridge. But I’ll probably also offer s’mores as I do so. And, even if I’m hurt, I’ll most likely find a way to laugh. Maybe I’ll even say a prayer during the fire. Not for the bridge. For me. For freedom. For peace. For the joy of watching something unstable go up in flames and knowing I won’t have to rebuild it or be part of it ever again. Ever!

Here’s another thing I’ve learned: burning a bridge isn’t always about destruction. Sometimes, it’s the only way to build a boundary. I know, that seems ironic. It is. Burning = building? How is burning a bridge building a boundary? Here’s how: it protects your joy, your time, your peace, your future. It’s how you make space for who and what really matters. So, next time someone asks, “Michael, aren’t you afraid of losing a connection?” I’ll say, “No. I’m actually afraid of staying connected to someone who keeps trying to electrocute me through it.” And when that’s the case, my thought process is easy. Match lit. Bridge lit. Now I’m moving on in peace, reminding myself that laughter is greater than outrage, and wondering if anyone else might wanna roast marshmallows with me and have a good laugh.