Camping’s Biggest Lie: The Stupid Tent Bag
(Messed-Up But Managing #12)
It used to be that putting up a tent was the worst thing about dealing with it. But oh, the times have changed. Indeed, one of the greatest lies ever sold to mankind is trying to fit a tent back into its carrying bag. It doesn’t matter how big the tent is. It doesn’t matter how many times you fold, roll, or beg. That bag is always three sizes too small, and the tent is now your greatest foe.
They advertise tents with lingo like “Sleeps 4” or “Sleeps 6,” but they never advertise what really matters: “Fits Back in the Bag Without Losing Your Religion.” The bag’s the real challenge. It’s like you could be the world’s foremost expert in spatiality theory or have a PhD in spatial reasoning, you could be a human origami master, and you’d still out there sweating, shoving, and praying that the zipper doesn’t shoot off and take out your eye.
You can relate, right? Setting the tent up was bad enough; now, you have to take the stupid thing down. Fact: no one looks dignified taking down a tent. It’s a process of bending, crawling, and pulling stakes like you’re performing an exorcism on the earth. Putting it up makes sense. The tent expands. It grows. You see the progress. But getting it back in the bag? That’s where science fails. You roll it up as tight as possible, stuff it in, and suddenly the laws of physics are like, “Gotcha!”
Trying to fit a tent back in the bag is like rolling up an air mattress with the air still inside. It’s like folding a fitted sheet if the fitted sheet also had metal poles and an innate desire to screw with your mind. And you never get it right the first time. Ever! You always think you’ve got it, then, “Oh crap, I forgot the stakes, the poles, my dignity.” And now you have to start all over while your friends, wife, or kids pretend they’re “helping” by standing there, nodding, and occasionally saying, “Maybe try rolling it tighter? Did you get all the air out?” You’re rolling it so tight your arms are shaking like a CrossFit competitor doing their last tire lift, and it still won’t fit.
Then there’s the cheapo zipper. That’s the real moment of truth. And if it doesn’t zip, you’re done. You either have to try again or accept that the bag is now a souvenir of your failure. And for what? So you could look like a man wrestling a giant nylon sausage in front of everyone? What? To do it all over again next time. Hear me out: if we live in times where we can make self-driving cars and phones that recognize our faces, why can’t we make a tent bag that actually fits the tent? Why can’t they make the back just a little too big or a bag that extends? Just once, I want to see a tent commercial that says, “Fits back in the bag in one try, or your money back.” Any takers?
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