I Just Want a Straight Answer!
"Yes" or "No" Would Be Life-Changing (Messed-Up But Managing #6)
There’s a phenomenon in my house, and I don’t know if it has a name, but if it does and you know it, please share. It’s kinda like selective hearing, but feels more strategic—like my wife and kids have all conspired to answer a completely different question than the one I asked. (By the way, there’s a rumor going around Substack and other corners of the internet that using the em dash “—” in one’s writing is a sign of AI. That’s just dumb! I love using the em dash and will continue doing so!)
Anyway, my predicament is this: every time I try to get a simple, straightforward answer to one of my questions, it doesn’t happen; instead, I get something wildly off-course. Every! Single! Time! Much of the time I legit feel like I’m communicating with everyone in my household through a broken translation app.
And no, it’s not at all that my questions are complicated. I’m not out here asking my wife to explain quantum mechanics or my kids to balance the national budget. I just want to know if the dogs have been fed. That’s it. Instead, I get: “I took them out earlier.” What? No! That’s not even close. That’s like asking someone if they paid the power bill and them saying, “Oh yeah, there’s a bulb out in the bathroom.”
Or I’ll ask something like, “Did you get gas in the car?” and my wife will say, “I just got home a few minutes ago.” That’s great. Fantastic. Welcome back, babe. But uh, what’s in the tank? Gasoline or wishes?
This is my life. Scratch that: This has long been my life! Even so, it still happens nearly every single day. I’ve concluded that there is no fixing it. I’ve tried pointing it out. No change. I’ve tried rephrasing. No change. I should not have to experiment with writing my questions down like some kind of hostage negotiator to ensure clarity. And even if I did, I’m still the result would be the same—nothing. (There’s another lovely em dash!)
It’s like my whole family is trained to take my question, discard it entirely, and then provide some loosely related life update instead. Growing up, my grandma had her own version of this. No matter what you asked her, she would always respond with “What’d you say?” Oh, that drove me crazy! We knew for sure that she heard us. That woman could hear a whisper or candy wrapper crinkle from the next county over. But that was her process.
My family’s process? It’s far worse, I’m afraid. Their default response isn’t asking me to repeat myself—(another em dash!) it’s giving me a completely unrequested data dump that contains absolutely zero amounts of the information I need. If I asked my son what time his practice starts, I can almost guarantee I’d get something like, “Well, Coach said we should get more sleep.” Fantastic. Love that. Good idea. Not what I asked!
I don’t know how to fix it. I have no tips. We’re all speaking English over here. There’s no linguistic interference. But somehow, I am trapped in a house where I never get a straight answer, and yet, I always get more information than I asked for, kinda like me telling you about my family but keeping you in the loop about em dashes.
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