Overcoming Fear in Life and Stand-Up
The 20-Year Rule and the Rejection Sandwich (Comedy Mindhacks #32)
Recently, all three of my kids started at new schools. Different buildings, different schedules, different sports teams, different teammates, different coaches, different teachers, and different lunch routines. At a couple turns, a fear of the unknown had him nearly paralyzed. And as a dad, there’s only so much coaching you can do before you’re just repeating clichés that go in one ear and out the other.
Of course, fear doesn’t just live in the lunchroom. Fear shows up everywhere. For many comedians, it shows up before you walk on stage. Or it shows up before you submit a tape for a show or festival. It shows up when you try a new joke or bit, when say something in a slightly new or different way, or when let yourself care a little too much. You hear that stupid voice in your head saying, “Hey, what if everyone hates you and you’re a colossal disappointment?”
I’m convinced that in comedy, and in life, we need mindhacks. We need tools. We need a way to not let fear boss us around like it owns us. John Vorhaus, in his book Comedy Writing 4 Life, offers a couple of tips that are worth considering. They might even be worth taping to your bathroom mirror.
The first tip is called The 20-Year Rule. It’s simple: If it won’t matter in 20 years, it doesn’t matter that much now. That club you didn’t get booked at? That joke that bombed in front of 12 people and a bartender who was clearly the captain of Team Silence? That thing you said onstage that made the front row blink in unison like they just witnessed a crime? Yeah, none of it’s going to matter in 20 years! Literally, there’ll be nobody on planet Earth thinking about it. So, don’t you do it either. If it’s not going to matter then, don’t let it wreck your day, week, or weekend. Move on!
The second tip is more of a mindset: Love rejection; eat rejection for lunch. I know that sounds a bit counterintuitive. But here’s the deal: you can become so acquainted with rejection that it loses it just loses all its power. Welcome rejection. Let it come in, have a seat, and do its thing. Let it hang out. BUT…don’t let it drive.
You see, most of us are ruled by ego. We feel something and immediately assume, oh this must be true. For example: “I feel like I suck” becomes “I suck.” “I feel terrible about last night’s show” becomes “I’m terrible.” But feelings aren’t facts!!! That means ego is a terrible GPS. Instead, what we have to do is filter through process, not through panic. Here’s what I mean: instead of asking, “How does this make me feel?” try asking, “How can this make me better?”
The comedian who bombed last night can still write a killer joke or bit today. The parent who got the lunch drop-off time wrong yesterday can still show up and encourage his kid today. The person who blew an audition last month can still get back on stage tonight. It just takes mental fortitude. And that can come by way of forgetting how it made you feel and asking how it can make you better.
As we all know, fear doesn’t disappear. But it can be outworked. That’s always been a tactic of mine and that’s what I’ve taught my son. And I’m also keen on teaching him: if it won’t matter in 20 years, maybe it shouldn’t control your next 20 minutes! In real time, that can be a hard pill to swallow. But it can also bring some needed healing.
So go ahead. Audition. Bomb. Submit the tape. Try the new joke. Take the leap. The worst thing that happens is you learn and get better. And honestly, that’s not so bad, is it? Even more, in 20 years, when none of this matters, you’ll still have one thing: stories. The kind that make people laugh. Which, if you ask me, is kinda the whole point.