Set Boundaries & Keep Them No Matter What
You'll Never Regret It (Things That Matter #21)
Something no one tells you about adulthood is that you spend half of it telling others what your boundaries are and half reminding them you weren’t kidding. All day every day culture tells us that boundaries are or should be negotiable. Be flexible they say. Show grace they say. Cut people some slack they say. And that all seems fine…until you’re the smiley face doormat people are walking on.
I believe in grace. I’m a Christian; of course, I believe in grace. But I also believe in not letting my grace be cheapened. In our house, for instance, my wife and I have a parenting plan. Like a real one. With binders. With checkmarks. It’s color-coded. There are charts and flowcharts. It looks like a CIA operation but with fewer lies and more juice boxes. Some folks think that’s overkill. You know what I think? So what! I don’t care what you think. The peace is worth it.
We’ve worked this plan for years now. The reason we have it is simple: chaos is bad for morale. When a kid flips out over screen time, we don’t scramble. For the most part, we don’t raise our voices and we don’t yell. As parents, we don’t panic or negotiate. We go to the binder like it’s the Gospel of Consequences. Everyone in the house knows: we respond according to the plan. It’s simple and effective. It works for us. (And we know many others who use the same plan and it works for them, too.)
The same is true with stand-up comedy. I’ve literally had audience members shout mid-joke like they were delivering a pizza no one ordered. That can get irritating. I’ve had people loudly explain the punchline back to me because they got it. Congrats! Now, unless you’re going to laugh, be quiet. That stuff can easily throw people off. At this point though, I know how to get back on track because a) I’ve rehearsed it, and b) I’ve mapped it out with a very effective memorization system. That’s right, just like with parenting, when it comes to stand-up comedy, I have a plan. I’ve got a system in place. I have boundaries.
It’s important to have boundaries, to set those boundaries, and to hold them no matter what. That’s the life principle here. If I were to ask you, “What are your 10 most important principles in life?” could you answer? If not, after you finish reading, sit down and try to make a list. It’s tougher than you think. But it’s worth doing. (And, if you do, leave a comment and let me know.)
The truth is: most people don’t know what their boundaries are until someone drives a dump truck through the middle of their life. Then what?! That’s why principles matter. You don’t wait until the heat of the moment to invent a moral compass. You set it early. You install a fence when the ground is dry, not in the middle of a mudslide. You build a house on firm ground, not sand.
What if you’re a boss and your employees keep showing up late? And what if you let it slide? Pretty soon everyone’s rolling in at 10:45 like it’s brunch. What if your spouse breaks vows? What if your neighbor pressures you into doing something shady? What if your boyfriend or girlfriend tries to pressure you into doing something you’re not comfortable with? Give an inch, eventually they’ll take a mile.
This is the real world. People will pressure you. They’ll push your buttons, test your limits, try to gaslight you into thinking you’re the crazy one for having standards. You know how many people have been offended by me holding my line? Umm…almost all of them. At times it has genuinely felt like the world had a group text going that said, “Hey, let’s all get offended that Halcomb’s got spine.”
For the sensible person, if you just look around at virtually everything, you realize that God made boundaries. Physics has limits. The ocean stops at the shore. The sun rises and sets on schedule, unlike your flaky cousin who’s always late to dinner. God made our bodies with limits. You can’t stay up for three straight nights eating Hot Pockets and expect not to see demons. Boundaries exist because they protect things. They protect us.
Even more, your personal boundaries should be faith-shaped. And I don’t mean in the inspirational poster kind of way. I mean in the cross-shaped, Jesus-modeled, hard-truths, real-life kind of way. That means sometimes you’re going to have to say “no” with love, even if what you really want to say is “Alright, I’ll give in this time.” No. Don’t do it.
Maybe you’ll be hated for it. Maybe you’ll be misunderstood for it. Maybe you’ll get kicked out, fired, gossiped about, slandered, shaded, unfollowed, or labeled “difficult.” But let me say this as kindly as I can: so what! Better to lose people who get pissed at your for holding your boundaries than lose your soul. Jesus said something like that, just a bit more poetically: “Better to lose the whole world than lose your soul” (Mt 16:26).
Likewise, it’s better to be called stubborn than to become spineless. So, set boundaries. And keep them. Even if people think you’re a control freak. Even if they accuse you of being mean. Even if they roll their eyes and whisper about you behind your back at the church potluck. Because boundaries don’t make you cruel. They just make you clear. And clarity is good for your soul and for our world.
Jesus had boundaries. He didn’t heal on demand. He didn’t perform miracle shows for skeptics. He didn’t let everyone into his inner circle. So yeah, take heart in the fact that you can be like Jesus and still say, “Nah, not doing that. That’s not me.” You can love people and still hold your ground. You can be full of grace and stand firm.
It’s not only okay to set boundaries, it’s good and it’s godly and it’s how God wired us. Set and hold your boundaries with that toxic person, or the pushy coworker, or the manipulative family member who always wants something from you. Set your boundaries. Name them. Hold them. Enforce them. Even if it means getting a binder.