Why Do Band-Aids Still Suck?

We Must Do Better! (Messed-Up But Managing #7)

There are few things in life as disappointing as a crappy Band-Aid. I mean it! You get a cut, you slap one on, and you think, Problem solved! But no. Not at all. The truth: the problem has just begun. Because Band-Aids, despite decades of medical advancement, still operate under the same principle as a cheap Halloween costume: everything looks okay for about five minutes but it will fall apart.

If you sweat? You might as well forget about it. That Band-Aid is abandoning ship faster than white people on the Titanic. If you put a Band-Aid on your knee, congratulations my friend, you just signed up for an all-day battle against adhesive failure. Every step you take, you’re gonna feel it peeling and rolling up like that cheapo Dollar Store rug at the front door of grandma’s trailer. What’s even dumber is now you’re walking around like you have a knee injury worse than the one you were trying to cover up. Then you try to gently press it back down; right, like that’s gonna do something! Spoiler alert: no, no it’s not. It’s not going to do anything at all.

And don’t even think about cutting the tip of your finger. A Band-Aid on your fingertip is basically about as challenging as Biden trying to make it up a few steps. Need to type? Nope, no ttoday. Need to open a Ziploc bag? Not happening. Need to use your phone? Enjoy triggering every button except the one you meant to press. At this point, it’s less of a Band-Aid and more of a full-blown hindrance. It’s not aiding in anything except problems.

Then there’s the sizing issue. You either have a Band-Aid so tiny it barely covers a paper cut or one so massive it looks like you’re recovering from surgery, like you lost an appendage or just survived a wilderness accident. And God help you if you apply it too tight. Pray. Pray hard. Because now your finger is turning purple, you can’t bend it, and instead of just a small cut, you now have full-on circulatory trauma. The only way to fix it is to remove the Band-Aid, which has now somehow bonded to your skin permanently and will require an excavation crew to remove without tearing off the first layer of your flesh. How dumb is all this?!

And why, why do we have to color-match them like we’re shopping for foundation? I kinda get it that people don’t want ethnocentric Band-Aids. It makes some sense. But honestly, I couldn’t care less what color my Band-Aids are. Any color is fine. I don’t want to have to learn hex codes just to buy a freakin’ Band-Aid! All I want is something that stays on and doesn’t make my entire day more annoying. Is that too much to ask? Apparently! Because after all these years, whoever it is that’s making these things still haven’t figured out how to really make them.

Band-Aids don’t do their main job: stick and heal. They’re like lazy and unqualified interviewees who lie on their resumes and the employer doesn’t realize it until after they’ve already made the hire. Literally, I just want a Band-Aid that does its job. Instead, I’m out here covered in residue, peeling off the goo of useless medical tape, wondering how in 2025, this is still the best we can do.

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