Not Lusting After Victimhood

The Power of Self-Control (Things That Matter #13)

For many years now, I’ve kept up a simple tradition for my daughter’s birthday: write her a letter. This year she’ll turn 18. And while I will write her a letter once more, I’ve been thinking about sending her off to college and launching her into adulthood with a great set of life principles. So, I’ve been putting those in order. That’s also been the impetus for several of my recent posts, all based around these life principles, which you can read about at the following links: Burning Bridges, Addressing Problems, Loyalty’s Everything, and Laughter > Outrage.

Another principle I’ve had to remind myself of repeatedly, one that’s not all easy at all, is: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

This, I think, is one of the hardest principles to live by. It’s the psychological equivalent of trying to do burpees after getting belly deep in a Thanksgiving meal. I didn’t invent that line. It’s actually attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, which is ironic because, if anyone had the right to feel inferior, it was a woman married to a guy who had a secret affair and stamp collection.

Nonetheless, I think it’s true. Nobody can make you feel small unless you decide to shrink. This type of thinking flies directly in the face of our culture. Most people want someone else to be responsible for their feelings. We live in a society where people lust after victimhood, where getting nominated to be victim is like a competitive sport. It’s like people are working overtime to qualify for the Oppression Olympics and trying to win D-1 scholarships to UV - University of Victimhood. These are the same people who line their resumes with awards like Most Traumatized by a Vague Tweet or Most Likely to Get Offended by a Meme.

Don’t get me wrong, there are real victims out there. I’ve been one. We all have. But sometimes what people call oppression is just someone disagreeing with them on Facebook. This principle asks and requires more of us. It says, “Hey you, you feeling crushed today? Aww, did they roll their eyes at you in a meeting? Buddy, did they ignore your brilliant Instagram comment?” Okay then! But it’s still your choice whether or not to melt into a self-pity puddle. That’s on you.

I know, I know…that sounds like tough love. Because it is. But it’s not like I’m saying it with a belt in my hand, so take it easy. My point is: it’s so freakin’ easy to feel offended these days. Social media practically hands you coupons for it every time you open an app. “Offended? Click here and receive bonus outrage!” It’s even super popular these days to get offended that someone else got offended. Or to get offended on some other person’s behalf or some group’s behalf even if they didn’t ask you or want you to. It’s like everyone longs to be offended.

So, if we really take the above principle seriously, if we really internalize it, it becomes a game-changer. Because suddenly we realize we are in charge of our emotional thermostats. It’s not all that different than what my therapist consistently reminded me of over the years: the only thing you can control is you. He was right! So, does it mean I’ll never feel small? Nope. I still walk into faculty meetings and feel like a substitute teacher at a Mensa conference.

And, as a comedian, I still do comedy shows where the crowd is colder than the old church lady’s lasagna. I still parent teenagers, which is a lifelong exercise in being misunderstood by people who think deodorant is optional and that I’m so out of touch I can’t possibly understand anything from 2023 on. But even when I feel low, I remind myself that whatever feeling that is, it didn’t come from them. IT CAME FROM ME. My wife just reminded me of this yesterday when I got frustrated with one of the kids.

So, yeah, this doesn’t mean I don’t feel things. I do. Of course I do! I still have moments when I feel dismissed, forgotten, disrespected. I still have nights where my inner monologue sounds like an old high school bully. But I also know that I can push back against it. I can laugh at it. I can laugh in its face. I can say, “Okay, I feel that, but I’m not giving it power. I’m not handing over my confidence like a drunk handing over keys.”

And here’s the really wild thing, like super wild: when you stop giving people that power over you, they get confused. They try their little digs, their little comments, and when you don’t flinch, they start to malfunction. I don’t always succeed at this. Sometimes I still fail miserably. But I’ve seen it work enough that, when it does, they look at me like I’m the vending machine that took their dollar. Offended people don’t know what to do with someone who won’t play their games. And it’s absolutely beautiful to witness. It’s freedom.

As I’ve noted, I haven’t mastered this yet. I might not even be close. Sometimes someone will say something sideways and I’ll take the bait like a Baptist pastor taking dessert at a potluck. I’ll sit there stewing, replaying the scene and comment in my head like it’s game film. I’m sure many can relate to that because it’s like torture to keep rewinding and replaying things in our minds.

But…the quicker I remember this principle, the faster I get back to laughing. Because that’s what I’d rather do. Again: Laughter > Outrage. I’d rather laugh at myself than wallow in imaginary offense. One of those things is a vehicle for healing while the other turns you into the person who uses phrases like “per my last email” in real life. And trust me, you don’t wanna be that person. So, I’m working on it.

I do know that I want to be the kind of person who doesn’t give away emotional real estate to every critic, every troll, every passive-aggressive audience member, and every hater. I don’t want them living rent-free in my head. I want to walk through life knowing I can’t control how people act, but I can absolutely control whether I let their garbage into my living space. So, I agree with Eleanor R: no one can make me feel inferior without my permission. And if that offends you, take it up with yourself.